a much needed sunday.

i think i have been looking forward to
this sunday, without even knowing it.
it's not much different from any other sunday,
there are no special occasions,
and nothing really out of the ordinary.

but.
that's exactly why i have sought out this sunday {subconsciously}.
because being the age that i am,
and you may have noticed,
i attend missionary farewells probably more often than not.
which i love, don't get me wrong.
i love missionaries and i love seeing the decisions my friends make to serve missions.
but sometimes
an ordinary, casual sunday is just what my spirit needs.
a sunday where i go to relief society, sunday school, and sacrament meeting.
a sunday where i engage and focus on listening to the spirit and growing closer to my heavenly father.
a sunday where i get to take a break from the world, and everyday life.
a sunday where i can spend it with my family.
a sunday where i seek to feel peace.

especially that last one.

i am a happy person.
but this last month or so i have felt that although i am happy, 
i have been happier before...and i'm not as happy as i could be...
and
the last couple days i have had a very strange feeling inside me
that i myself don't exactly know how to explain.
i don't feel sick, but i don't feel good.
i don't feel scared of something specific, but i feel fear.
i don't feel nervous, but i don't feel confident.
i have been trying to think of all the reasons it may have come on,
but i can't seem pinpoint the reason for any of it.
it came out of nowhere, and it's really been bothering me.

last night as i was trying to fall asleep,
this strange feeling was still inside me.
as i lay there i just hoped that this feeling would soon go away...
suddenly i realized that "tomorrow is sunday. and there's no farewells. no family parties. no get togethers"
i was immediately grateful and felt a little more calm that today would be
a regular sunday.
a sunday where i could seek out the spirit to calm my troubled heart.
all i wanted was to feel peace.
that my Savior may help me. which i knew he would.

as i got ready for church this morning,
i prepared myself.
i listened to church music.
i left with a prayer in my heart.
i grabbed my scriptures and a journal.
i was ready. ready to feel my Savior's love. ready to be better.

it felt so good to be at church 100% for myself, and my Savior and Heavenly Father.
i will always support my friends and their decisions to serve missions as i go to their farewells,
but i ought not forget what the sabbath day is truly here for.

and what a blessing it has been.
continual peace all day.
i was able to focus on how to be a better me.
i was able to find and admit to myself the things i need to work on.
things that i know as i get better will bring me greater happiness, even if i am already happy.
it's just what i needed.
i don't know if the strange feeling will come right back tomorrow,
or sometime in the future,
but i will remember the feeling i have had today,
and i will pray and seek for that peace.
i will pray for the strength and motivation to be better.
i know i can do it.
and i know i don't have to do it alone.

it really was a much needed sunday.
and i thank my Heavenly Father and Savior for it.

{PS

it was only a bonus that we got to fast for mckay that his jaw surgery might go well tomorrow,

and we had a steak dinner since he won't be able to eat real food for about a week or so... :) }